Dear Jane

DATE 01SEP10, TIME 2107

Lying in my bed, its weird how my rack is now my bed, I start to think of you. I can’t ever keep my mind off of you while I’m here. Weirdly enough, my mind tries to keep the thought of you out, thinking of your day-to-day life without me in it always seems to make me the saddest. Imagining what you would be doing now, getting off work or getting home from shopping, without me there. The fact, I don’t have the choice to go with you, makes me now realize why we need hang out as much as we can together. Now I’m starting to see why shopping, eating, etc. together is so important. I used to hate shopping, but being under water for three months, can change any perspective.

I’m going to start writing a day-to-day journal, who knows maybe you’ll read it when I get back. I haven’t been doing much of anything, but thinking. I started reading The Lucky One by Nicholas Sparks and almost finished it in one sitting. I’m going to finish it after my next watch, I have around 200 pages left.

Finally starting to realize what I want to do with my life and I am so excited for it all to begin. I can’t wait for to share it with me. I know you have many goals also, and I can’t wait to be a part of them. Here are my goals. I want to go to school while I’m still in the Navy. Major in business, and minor in some form of accounting, so I can handle all the paper work of owning a business. While I’m taking classes I want to also study World/American history, and political science. Now, I know that sounds weird because I have never taken an interest in that, but there is a man on board Charles Shuemaker. Although, he’s a bigger smart ass then I am, and even though he doesn’t know it; he is teaching me a lot. He is my DIVE, if you want to know what that means you’ll have to ask, every watch. Listening to all the things he knows makes me want to know those same things, and for once in my life I am excited to study something.

I hate politics, if you hadn’t already known. I have never voted for anything, and don’t plan to anytime in the near future. I want to know what makes a politician tic. With history, I’m curious as to why the world is in the state it is in, who knows maybe one day I will do something to help out in my small part. After being out here for so long with so much time to think I have started not caring as much about talking shit any more I just deal with my day-to-day problems and worries. I no longer talk shit to NUBS (non-useful bodies), and I even stopped talking shit to the people I dislike (i.e. Vargas, Doc). I try to distance myself from them, and have even started helping them when need be.

I have become more appreciative, I know this because when everyone else is talking about how shitty the meal was, I am thinking of how much I enjoyed it. I was talking with Bruce, and he told me, I was the only person on the boat who says "Thank You" to them after every meal, I found it as a compliment.

I am writing a poem for Bruce because he said his girl is coming out to Hawaii when we get back and he wanted to give her one. I was quite taken aback because he is the first person to ever ask that. It’s harder than it sounds because every time I start writing I get two lines in and the poem is already about you so now I have a bunch of poems to you and still none for Bruce. Our money struggles will soon pass. Remember the day we were driving down Kam talking about the rough times, well we are still going through them if you haven’t noticed which I’m sure you have, but soon we will be in the clear. Of course by soon I’m thinking when I’m on shore duty. My plan for the navy so you have a full understanding. When I get back from Pac I am going to start dropping packages to cross rate to Navy Diver. If that doesn’t work I am going to finish my time on the boat (appx.14APR12) and I will have to go to another boat but I can try to get stationed in SD, which means we could start earlier then when I’m on shore duty at getting a house. If I don’t get SD, then I’m sure we’ll just stay in pearl and wait out the next couple years until my enlistments up and I will pick orders for shore duty in SD. When we get home I want to get a house we plan to live in when I’m out of the navy so we can start making payments on it with BAH. And after that I want to open a Dive Shop with Robert, Dustin, Middle, and Martinez. I want it to be like a repair place a place to get scuba certified and a shop to buy scuba gear. The next entries will be short I’m sure seeing as how I pretty much just said everything I have been thinking for the past 3 months in a page and a half…well at least the important things. Well besides the kid thing, because I know you are the mother of my children it just depends when and where. That is something I’ll talk about later Love you, forever and always, love babe.

DATE 02SEP10, TIME 0715

I have not gone to sleep since I wrote the first entry, and looking at my sleep log, it has almost been 12 hours. All through the night while you were probably asleep I was awake, driving a billion dollar submarine off the coast of some country X. It was just another mid watch, except for the fact, I couldn’t stop thinking of what I was going to write in my journal next. When I looked at my tattoos in the slight red glow of all the lights in control (rig for black) I thought of how I still hadn’t seen yours. Well at least not really, and if your tattoos were something I missed, what else have I missed? What else am I going to miss? Fuck I hate being on a submarine. I am not going to ever go on another west Pac. I can’t wait to see how much you have changed, and how much we are going to grow now that we are both working, and you have a sense of accomplishment with your new job & graduating school soon. I know you are going to do great things in your life, and I can’t wait for us to help each other through our struggles. I almost forgot to write today’s entry, so caught up in thinking about it. I was in the shower when I remembered I hadn’t written it. I had to come back down to the LAN room in boxers, my SD sweatshirt, and my brown flip-flops to write this. While I was in the shower I realized the weird shit I think when I’m down here. When I was in there I was thinking about living back in SD, having quads or a dirt bike or a small dune buggy. Going to the desert; just you and I spending a weekend out there. Man I can’t wait to get back to SD where you can do shit on a whim…six flags. I must say that day we went so long ago, was one of my most awkward dates, I didn’t know how to handle you at that point because I didn’t know how our relationship was going to be. Remember stopping on the way home in that park and “sleeping” I really just wanted to climb in the back and cuddle with you. I was too afraid to make my move at that point. I’m glad you and I have stuck it through for so long, and I am so fucking proud, to call you my wife. Love you, forever and always, love babe.

DATE 02SEP10, TIME 1216

I am now awake, like I don’t get little sleep as it is, on my own terms. Vargas is now deciding when I wake up. He woke up for watch and couldn’t find his TLD; therefore all lights must be on in berthing to look for it… Now I am awake. I miss you more the closer, and closer we get to half way because now everyone is talking about holidays and shit, and yet again I’m missing everything. Don’t worry though, next year for our anniversary I have the best idea ever, it will make up for all the things I miss. For some reason it seems as if West Pac is at a standstill, I don’t read the POD because I don’t want to know what day it is, that’s something I try to forget though… I guess tracking days in a journal isn’t helping either. Oh well, this is something I wish I would have done from day one. I don’t know if I told you. I got a flat top, it’s so haggard because the guy doesn’t really know how to cut one but it makes it even more hilarious. People see me and just start laughing which I like because you know how I am with my hair, and if I can bring a little smile to someone for a short time I’m happy with it. It’s real funny because DOC and COB have one (basically why I got it) and when I’m standing watch with them they are completely oblivious to why I have it. I told everyone I was going to get one because “all great leaders have a flat top”. I had to start somewhere. I almost finished The Lucky One I'll probably finish it now before my next watch I have 100 pages, I can read that in 45 min. Well, that’s all I have for now. Love you, forever and always, love babe.

DATE 02SEP10, TIME 2342

I just ate the best midrats meal we have on board anymore, grilled ham and cheese and tomato soup. Of course it was out the window so we only got two sandwiches…bull shit. I’m doing my laundry now waiting for clean up. So far I’m very glad I started writing this journal because while I’m on watch I’m always thinking of what I’m going to put next. Well not thinking what to write, but when I think shit now I’m like oh shit I have to remember that to put it down. It’s like my thoughts have a purpose; there not just there to keep my mind occupied for 6 hours. Like today we were talking about how math was our best subject in school. I say it’s mine because there is no opinion involved in math you can read a paragraph on how to do something and it will work every time. And then I started thinking of when I was back home on leave between CT and HI and I was helping Delta with her math homework. I hadn’t done math in so long but all I had to do was read the beginning of the chapter and I helped her with her homework. Then I started thinking how I was missing that kind of thing. Like next time we go home there all going to be so grown up and I will not have witnessed it. When I left for boot camp me and Jessie didn’t really get along and Austin’s homework was still too easy for him to need help, I really just wish I could be there to be a part of them growing up. Fuck I miss them so much even Delta. I am so glad my mom found Fred without him I would not be able to be my own man because I would always be worrying about them, but now I can spend my time worrying about you I can’t wait to have kids of our own so we can parent them and help them through school and go on adventures with them. Love you, forever and always, love babe.

DATE 03SEP10, TIME 2107

I keep forgetting to tell you how fucked up my back is because everywhere I go I have to slouch because no chairs on this boat are comfortable. I even slouch in my rack. Today was a pretty easy day of watch since I got 8 hours of sleep last night. We had two hours of clean up tonight after watch and we have field day in the morning. Well I guess technically I don’t because I’ll be driving but it’s the principal. But we do have to clean for 2 hours after tomorrows watch also, fucking gay. Middle, Wylo, Mike D., and I sat back in shaft alley and bullshitted the whole time during clean up though so it kind of made it go faster. We talked about all our friends back home and like our siblings and shit. It sucks so much because I want to talk to someone about you. Just like the shit we have done together and where we have gone in our relationship, but I can’t because that’s all mine and your things to share. I guess I’m just going to have to wait and talk to you about that stuff when I get back. I love you so much gorgeous and I’m always thinking of you. It’s weird today on watch they were all talking about how wives cheat on their husbands while their on West Pac and I said something that I have been thinking for a while. I’m not ever jealous of you hanging out with guys because guys, I’m jealous because it’s not me. Like I’m not worried you’re going to cheat on me ever I’m pissed because I have to be out here while you’re hanging out with someone who’s not me. I will never go on another submarine again and I will never take a job that ever requires me to travel. My birthday is in two weeks crazy I'll be 21 soon and won’t even be able to buy alcohol. Oh well I don’t even give a shit about that, especially since I’m not buying alcohol for you, oh shit when I get back I’m going to be able to get you all liquored up and take advantage of you I’m excited. Love you, forever and always, love babe.

DATE 04SEP10, TIME 1753

I didn’t do much today and didn’t really think of anything either. I finally folded the laundry I did yesterday. It sucks so much not getting sailor mail from you; it feels like it’s been forever. That is what brings a smile to my face because when I read them I hear your voice saying the stuff you write to me. I have still been trying to write Bruce that poem, but I can’t. I keep starting it for him and ending it for you. I heard a really awesome song lyric today. Something along the lines of “We’ll love each other forever, and when we die, well die together”. I really like it but I have no idea how I’m going to change it to make it my own because that is something I could def. say to you. Well I’m oncoming now so I’m going to go to take a shower and crash in the rack. Rack to the Future, it’s a time machine. Love you, forever and always, love babe.

DATE 05SEP10, TIME 0552

I started thinking of how fucked up life really is on board a submarine. I start thinking of you and what you are doing, this was at around 0230, and I realized I actually had no idea what time it was in Hawaii. Therefore, I didn’t have any clue what it was you were doing. Now when I think of you all my thoughts are figments of my imagination I actually have no clue what it is you are doing and not only does that scare me, it makes me so sad I could almost cry. I just wish this shit would be over already so I could see you on the pier while we were pulling in while I’m up in the bridge looking down I actually decided that’s the only thing I like about my job. Oh and also I have been thinking a lot about my next tattoo, my leg piece. I’m pretty excited to get it. Picture this because this is what I see, from knee to ankle covered. At the bottom around my ankle the SD skyline, on my calf a flamingo, what style I have no idea, maybe cartoony maybe realistic. The Padre’s SD on the outside, and a Charger bolt on the opposite side. The California State Bear on the top front, under my knee cap, colored in Rasta colors. 619 below that like at an angle. The outline of the state on my calf with SD over the best place in the world, which I will have to see where to put it. Then a diamond on the front somewhere color it all in with some type of water what style I don’t know yet and have them put the outline of pot leafs in it in a couple places. We were talking about movies today and like actors and shit and I never realized it because I’m not really into movies, but I think Leonardo Dicaprio is my favorite actor. I haven’t seen a movie with him in it that I didn’t like. Titanic, Aviator, Body of Lies, The Departed, Catch me if you Can, Inception, Shutter Island. Basically I’m just rambling this is the kind of shit I have to think about. Love you, forever and always, love babe.

DATE 05SEP10, TIME 1326

Couldn’t sleep yet again this time because of an email you sent me. It was about you hanging out with “Andrew and Ryan”. It really fucked me up seeing my name in an email but knowing it wasn’t me you were having fun with. I am literally going crazy. I know you didn’t send it to me to be mean or anything because a normal person would not have been bothered by it. But like I’ve said plenty of times just the fact that I can’t hang out with you, and especially since those two guys should be here now, it is making me go insane. Isolation is the worst thing I have ever had to deal with and having all these thoughts of what it is your doing at any one time is really fucking with me. I know you wouldn’t cheat on me but the fact is I have nothing else to think about. Then I get an email from you telling me how great of a time you’re having with Andrew and Ryan and I have to be down here. It’s just been a rough day and I hope when you read this you don’t take it the wrong way. I really need to talk to someone, a therapist or the chaplain or someone because I am getting fucked up in the head. Its shitty that the littlest things you say affect me so badly down here because I know you aren’t there thinking oh I’m going to hurt Andrew today, and I don’t want you to be alone, but I want to be the one whose there with you…and I can’t be. Catch 22’s, they fucking suck. Besides all that I had a crazy dream last night. First I was at Santana, but a bunch of guys from the boat went there. And school got out and we all lived really far away…like Point Loma, I think we all lived on the boat. But, when we were trying to leave we had to go catch a bus that was like a 30 min walk and we didn’t know where everyone was and if we didn’t make that bus we wouldn’t be to the boat for underway on time. Anyways then we get underway and the boat is like a totally different boat. Then you are there and we are making out and I start eating you out. This is in the middle of this room with a bunch of racks in it, but they were all empty. Then Howell walks in and I throw a blanket around you but he just stands there and stares and I start yelling at him to get out and Doc hears me and comes down a latter. “What’s going on down here? Ah I see.” Then he says berthing is a shit pit. I assume just so he can stay down in the space you were in. it was all really weird and I think that is a major part of why I couldn’t sleep to. Now I am awake and I think I am going to finish a movie before watch, it’s called The Holiday, it’s a love story I think.

DATE 06SEP10, TIME 0035

I got off watch and all I thought about for 6 hours was the one email this week that I got from you. I know you’re going to think I’m crazy when you read this because, well just because I know you. But to me while I’m down here…this place that makes every man go crazy, I took it hard. Not only because I only got one but because how much fun you were having with Andrew and Ryan. And you weren’t having fun with me. Ski made a good point though about it, if I was there you would be having a good time with me not with them, so you’re just trying to make this best of your time alone. I understand it, it just kills me inside to have to be down here and not know what the fuck is going on with my life and marriage in the outside world. When you read this just think like this. Try being locked up in jail for six month. No, even worse being in isolation in jail. No sun, minimal food. You have no idea what is happening to your friends and family on the outside and once a week you get one email from the one person you love. Then have it be them telling you how much fun there having with two guys who should be in that isolation with you. Just so you know it’s not fun. As you can see these next couple days are going to be rough, I will get over it and move on and there will be happy entries again, this is just one of the many stages of life on a submarine. It’s a cycle; depressed, angry, selfish, feeling guilty for yourself, happy. And then it starts over and you have no idea when something is going to happen to put you into one of those moods. It’s like being a women that was a joke. Don’t get to angry. What else is going on? I take the E-5 exam in 3 days and turn 21 in 10. Pretty exciting I get to spend my 21 st birthday somewhere in the ocean, no sun, no air, no love, and no beer. Well at least I’m not dead. I only see my life with you and I know when I get back I will never take us for granted, although I never did. Now it just won’t happen for sure. And I know when I get back all this will be behind us, even though you have no idea right now what it’s doing to me and I don’t want you to because I want to make this as easy for you as possible. So ill hold it in and take one for the team, bite my lip and move on. Fuck you are going to think I’m crazy when you read this. The thing that really got me about the email was seeing my name and that you were having fun with that person, but it wasn’t me. I know it’s a fucked up way to think, but it’s a submariner’s way to think. Hopefully next week I get an email that I won’t go so crazy over. Love you, forever and always, love babe.

DATE 06SEP10, TIME 1735

It’s weird how the littlest things in life seem so huge when you’re on a submarine. I miss being able to listen to music as loud as I want to on a Sunday morning, or just making any noise at all. I got yelled at today because I accidentally dropped a clipboard, I mean the thing weighs a couple ounces and it wasn’t even that loud, it just scared people and they told me to shut the hell up. I mean come on all the machinery alone makes so much noise if anyone wanted to find us it wouldn’t be that hard. I also miss driving down the road with the windows rolled down feeling the cool air rushing in and out of the car and blaring music as loud as possible without ruining the speakers. I mean I have to listen to my iPod on its lowest volume and I can only put it in one ear. I don’t know, but I think people listen to music to drown out the world sometimes, and here I’m not allowed to do that. I miss the smell of real air; amine is just not cutting it for me anymore. I haven’t had real milk in 3 months, I fucking love milk, but I don’t drink it because dehydrated milk is not good at all. I mean even the name doesn’t make sense. Dehydrated milk, which means no liquid. Whiskey Tango Foxtrot. That doesn’t even work. What else do I miss? I miss the smell of your armpits, especially when they smell like breakfast. I miss how you fit perfectly under my arm, I miss how your lips feel when there pressed tightly against mine, I miss your morning breath, and I miss you. The navy has done a lot of things for me, gave me a steady pay check, a house, a wife, a car, but the worst thing it’s done from me is keep me from you. I can’t wait to live a life where I get to go home and sleep in our bed every night after a hard day’s work. Why must I be so god damn emotional, I hate it? The one thing it’s good for though is writing poems. You are going to enjoy what I am doing for you. Love you, forever and always, love babe.

DATE 06SEP10, TIME 2222

Feeling you with my thoughts, but can’t touch you with my skin. Love you, forever and always, love babe.

DATE 07SEP10, TIME 1142

24/7. That is what my life has come to, 24 hours a day 7 days a week, submarine. I eat, drink, and live submarine. Shit I even dream submarine. I’m going to try and put it into a way that you would better understand it. Imagine getting hired at Sephora and them telling you, you had to go across country for training and you weren’t allowed to talk to anyone except in the written word. Then when you’re done with that you have to go to another 8 month school, this time though you are allowed two weeks at home. Then when you get to your final destination, the Sephora you are going to be working at for the next 3 years, it gets worse. You have to sleep in the store every 4 days, and in the middle of the night on those days you have to stand at the front door waiting for a customer to come. They never do. Then every couple weeks they tell you, you have to stay there for a couple months. While you are there for those couple months your days go from 24 hour days to 18 hour days. You are not allowed to leave the store, no sunlight, no fresh air. Then you also have to stand at the front door for 6 hours at a time and greet customers, but sometimes they secure you just to have you clean. And by the time you have been there for a month you have cleaned the same spot 100 times. Also when you’re done with your six hours at the door you have to clean for another 2 hours, no matter what. Then you get 3.5 hours off to yourself to do things you want. Play a game, watch a movie, write and email because remember even though it’s the 21 st century no cell phones. So that is what it would be like to live on a submarine in your shoes. I heard a really good saying in this movie called Memento last night. TIME HEALS ALL WOUNDS, BUT WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU CAN’T FEEL TIME. That describes a submariner’s life and thoughts perfectly. I started this journal seven days ago; to me right now it feels as if it’s been 2.5 weeks. That’s what happens when you go from 24 hour days to 18 hour days. Its shitty that I have to try and keep my mind off you so I don’t get depressed, but when I think of the time you are having the job I am committed to it literally makes me go crazy. As you can see from my sleep log I haven’t been getting much sleep, but hopefully time will let that pass. Love you, forever and always, love babe.

DATE 08SEP10, TIME 0644

High school, so I thought that when I graduated and got a diploma I was getting out of the high school scene. Since then I have come to realize that high school is just what sets us up to deal with real life. We’re always saying how mature we are or how people are acting like they are in high school, but no one actually ever grows up they just acquire more things. I was telling my senior chief something of how I felt because like you know I’m going through some shit right now, and today some guy made a comment about it. How the fuck does he know? RUMORS, fuck I hate them. Well it turns out my senior chief told the COB and he was sending an email off the boat about it and he just strikes a casual conversation up with this fucking guy who has like the biggest mouth on the boat. Fuck I’m so pissed I can’t even write in here right now, this was my fucking business, but now it’s everyone’s. Love you, forever and always, love babe.

DATE 09SEP10, TIME 1052

Time is a crazy thing. I have not written in this in a little over 24 hours, but it feels like it has been days. I took my second class exam this morning. I really have no idea how I did, I mean I haven’t been in radio in 10 months so who really knows if anything is right. So now that I talked to the command about how I was feeling about you hanging out with Tygett and Pearson I feel selfish and immature because I honestly have no idea what is going on up there, I think that is what freaks me out the most. I mean you are probably being perfectly fine; it’s just that THE OCEAN FUCKS WITH YOUR MIND. The thing that I don’t understand is that Pearson went home because his wife was hanging out with some guy yet he does the same thing to me knowing full well how it feels. And not only that, it happened to him while we were in Guam so he could talk to his wife every day, but for me I have to get one email to know what’s going on, and I still have no idea. It’s hard to smile these days, it’s more of a show just so people don’t know what I’m going through mentally. But I guess in another 15 days or so, or whenever we pull in I will find out everything and be able to make a determination of how crazy I actually am. I have been having a lot of dreams lately. I can actually remember them to. The other night I dreamt me and Robert were driving around in like this soap box car, and we went to this house and it was a huge family, like the family from she’s out of my league, but they had a bunch of Pilipino sex slaves. Robert starts having sex with one and one of the chicks is trying to charge me like 50 bucks and I’m like what the fuck, no get the hell out of here. Then the family leaves for some vacation, and the whole time Robert is like, “Dude this feels weird, they did something” and we get out to the car and were coming to see you and the car starts falling apart. And Robert starts freaking out, “I fucking knew it, they fucked with the car.” So then we start walking to your house, but then I get woken up for first wake ups. Weird, huh? So I don’t really know what that means, I’m sure you’ll look it up when you read this Love you, forever and always, love babe.

DATE 10SEP10, TIME 0737

I have not really been thinking of much lately. I have really just tried to stop thinking all together because when I do that I just freak myself out, I start breathing all heavy and kind of panicking. I’m sure if I could cry I would cry, but for some reason I seem to have lost that ability. But not wanting to think has made me want to sleep more, so now even when my rack spits me out I lay there and force myself to sleep. Although it may only be a couple hours, those are my best times on the boat. Even though my rack is so uncomfortable and short in length I have to sleep in a ball, I still love it there. That little coffin they give us to call our own, my how it becomes our home away from home. I wrote a really good line yesterday in a poem, and I can’t wait to show it to you. It’s the one about being priceless so when you read this you’ll have to search for it in the poems I give you. I think I told you but I have been dreaming a lot lately. It’s really weird because I go 4 or 5 years without remembering any dreams and now I am having one every night. Some are vague when I wake up and I can’t remember the exact things that happen, but I remember dreaming the night before. I am so scared for our marriage right now because I haven’t been able to talk to you and let you hear my voice and how much I love you, and I haven’t heard your voice to hear how much you love me. I just hope this goes by a little faster after this mission is over. I have to relieve the watch right now, but I’ll try to think of something good while I’m up there to write when I get off. Love you, forever and always, love babe.

DATE 10SEP10, TIME 1448

Today I am asking myself why the fucking navy is so fucking stupid. There is a chief on board who has been here two years, he’s a complete idiot, but they qualified him COW. Now, we all know he hasn’t done his whole qualification card, and we all know he got the answer key to the final test, but there is nothing we can do about it. They are deciding to shit on all other people who aren’t fully qualified after waiting so long and not caring. Well I guess they did care, but they couldn’t shit on anyone because that chief wasn’t fully qualified. But now he thinks he is so fucking senior it’s ridiculous. Also how can doc shit on people for not qualifying and then when they do he doesn’t let them stand the watch. He says they aren’t good enough to do it, well that’s what practice is for. Today we were telling riddles and shit on watch because we were so bored, the only one I know was: There is a man with a box, inside that box is a deadly poison. If he opens the box he will die, but if he gets rid of the poison inside he will live forever. Who is the man and what is the poison? If you figure out one you’ll figure out the other. I hope all is well on the home front because nothing is well on the sea side. Love you, forever and always.

DATE 11SEP10, TIME 1746

Today 9 years ago 9/ 11 happened. It's crazy to think because that was back before I even knew you existed. I mean I remember exactly where I was. I was at the off ramp from the 67 getting off on cottonwood by the drive in theatre in Santee going to school. It came over the radio and we were all terrified. I was in 6 th grade I think. I mean 9 years, so much has happened since then I have graduated high school, I have gotten married, I have left home, I moved into a house with the women of my dreams, the only thing wrong with my life is the fact I live on a submarine most of the time. I was thinking that today to, how the fuck did I end up here. My life has changed so much just in the last 2.5 years. I fucking live on a submarine for Christ’s sake. As you can see not many things are built for submarines, laptops being one of them. I woke up this morning and the screen had a big white line going down the front of it. Oh well, I’m still alive. I haven’t seen my friends for more than a couple days all together in the last 2 years, that fucking kills me. When we went home Jordan actually had a personality, well more than he did before. He was a little man, it was fucking scary. How much do I miss day to day just in your life, you are growing up right now, without me. That was part of the whole plan, to grow up together, I mean obviously we have the rest of our lives to still grow, but this is a major part in yours. You are going to school, actually about to graduate soon I think, I hope you pass all your tests and everything. And you have a steady job for the first time in your life. Im so proud of you, and I hope you are proud of yourself because you deserve to be. I have been freaking out a lot lately about what it is you have been doing with Tygett and Pearson, I mean one email in a week telling me how much fun your having with them kind of killed my moral. Not going to lie I thought every bad thing I could possibly think, but now I’m thinking to myself, “I trust my wife why did I even start to think those other things.” And then of course I remember. I’m stuck underwater and that drives men crazy especially knowing their wives are out there alone. But I think I am better now I just really need to hear your voice, and hear how you are doing right at this moment. I am going to try and come home in our next port because I am really about to hurt someone on the boat. I don’t know who, but whoever it is their not going to like me. Love you, forever and always, love babe.

DATE 12SEP10, TIME 2249

As I close my rack curtain I enter my own world. I am no longer on the boat; I am in my safe zone. I was watching Lost tonight and I literally got lost. I was so into the TV show I forgot where I was. I really wish I could do that forever, well at least while I’m down here. I was laying down in the dark, my laptop glowing on my face drowning out all my peripherals and totally entrancing me. I was sucked into a fantasy world of a group of strangers who were in a plane crash. I basically forgot reality for a little while. But of course I was sucked out of that fantasy world in an instant. Harbin came by my rack, “White, White, they need you to go back to maneuvering and troubleshoot a laptop.” I can’t wait to not have to eat, sleep and live submarines. When I can wake up in the morning, look out a window and see the sunrise. When I can eat food that I want, eat as healthy or unhealthy as I want, and drink real milk. I want to run outside in the early morning. Actually I think that is what I am going to start doing, waking up an hour early and running. I don’t know what is going on in your world right now; all I know is that not knowing is driving me crazy. I don’t want you to be lonely but at the same time I don’t want you hanging out with three guys especially since we never had the time to do those things. I never got a month of leave from the boat where I didn’t even have to think about this place. Therefore, I was always too drained to ever do any of those things. Going to watch a sunset, you and I haven’t even done that together, and you’re doing it without me as I write this. I don’t know if you went with the guys or by yourself, but either way it makes me sad. I will never go on another deployment, this shit is not for me, or you in that matter. I will email you tomorrow to tell you how I feel about you hanging out with them while I’m gone, but really I need to talk to you on the phone. I know you are going to take my email the wrong way but I have to do it. I am actually going so crazy out here I have been dreaming every night again. I know weird right. I like it though. It puts the fun back in sleeping now I’m not just going to sleep to get out of this hell hole, I’m going to sleep to dream something out of this world. I forgot how much excitement you can have in a dream and how random and crazy they can be. Love you, forever and always, love babe.

DATE 13SEP10, TIME 1535

When is the last time you knocked on someone’s front door? When is the last time you heard someone’s voice over the phone? When you’re down below the surface of the ocean looking out a window the size of a computer monitor this is what you think of. I was watching a movie today and a guy walks up to a door and knocks. His brother answers, they laugh and are happy to see each other. Being on a submarine is like walking up to someone’s door and not having enough, enough of something, something I can’t put into words. They see you through the peep hole they are just waiting for you to knock, but you can’t. Your words are lost in the space between you. You don’t know where to begin; you don’t know how to bridge that gap that has been created since your last encounter. These are the things I am afraid of. Will I be able to engage in a conversation with you the way I once did? Will I completely forget how to talk to you? It has been so long since I touched you, since I looked into your eyes. I am doing my duty to my country, the one I volunteered to serve, yet I can’t stop thinking of the regret I have for doing this. By completing my contract I may be pulling away from you. Just because I am in another world, one you will never be able to understand or comprehend. You will never be able to fully grasp the way I think while I am down here, just as I won’t be able to feel how you do while I’m gone. We are living two completely separate lives right now. Our marriage is on hold all we can do is hope that the time we have spent together has made us strong enough to last. I know you are all I think about. I have a picture of you I laminated, one because I read that book by Nicholas Sparks, and two because I found the picture after I read it. I was going through some stuff I found in my locker and I found that bible I got from Uncle Clay and I was using the picture of us kissing the day we got married as a book mark. I laminated it and I carry it in my chest pocket every day. Love you, forever and always, love babe.

DATE 13SEP10, TIME 2346

What would I do if anything happened to you? Better question, what could I do? I couldn’t do anything. That is yet another down side of being on a submarine. If you were injured I couldn’t be there to save you, if you were killed I might not make it back in time for your funeral. Why must this place keep us from those we love, why must the world be at war? I decided not to read the bible if I hadn’t already told you. I read the first part of it and realized it wasn’t for me. That book is the reason why I’m here, well in a very obscure way. Every country thinks their religion is correct, but who’s to say what’s right and what’s false in a book of fiction. Who really knows if all that shit happened? Back to the first question, what could I do? I don’t know what I would do. I would have to stay down here for another two weeks knowing you were hurt laid up in a bed somewhere, me not there to care for you. I need to stop thinking of that because it truly scares me; I sometimes lay in my rack for hours thinking of that. I then get very scared and start breathing heavy because honestly I am helpless down here. I am stuck on a sewer pipe in the middle of the ocean. That’s another thing, this place is so unhealthy. We live on a long black shit pipe, with a nuclear reactor 40 feet from our racks. The only thing separating us from it is a tank filled with fuel. There are things in every space that could create a fire. We produce hydrogen on a daily basis. We wake up eat; sit on watch for 6 hours while the food just sits in our stomachs. We get off watch eat, then go back and sit in one spot cleaning for 2 hours while the food sits in our stomachs. Then we go to sleep sometimes working out, but honestly how much of this crap food can you can work off in 30 min. All the while we are breathing fake air. What the fuck, who got this brilliant idea? Love you, forever and always, love babe.

DATE 15SEP10, TIME 2223

As you can see I skipped my entry yesterday. I am running out of things to talk about. We are almost half way there and people are starting to get antsy. I almost beat the shit out of Culpepper the other day and he didn’t even really do anything, well he called me a bitch, but I kind of started it. I was just ready to finish it. Cross was hitting Vargas in the back of the head because Vargas was talking shit to him about not making First Class. Pelzel and I had to separate them because it was getting a little out of control. But honestly I didn’t want to pull Cross off because someone needs to beat Vargas’s ass. Then later on tonight Vechinski almost hit Middleton, which would not have been good for Ski. Wylonis, Middle, and I were playing COD in the LAN room and Ski came to the door wanting his laptop, Middle and Wylo both gave this groan like god damn it Ski, they were just fucking with him. But he took it as get the fuck out of my space and stop playing my XBOX. So he almost beat the shit out of Middle, well at least I could tell he wanted to. So obviously we are all going crazy. My birthday is in an hour and a half, woopty due. I mean what does that even mean I can’t go out and do shit I have to wake up at 0430 tomorrow and stand watch. The only thing I got for my birthday was my name at the top of the POD saying it was my birthday. I got your present to, but that was for halfway night. I’m going to take it as a birthday gift though. We pull into Guam in a little over a week, hopefully that doesn’t go to crazy I really just want to buy a 6 pack of Corona and go fish at Polaris point getting a sun tan. Well I hope I don’t go to crazy by the time I get to talk to you, but who really knows I don’t know what kind of news I’m going to get on Saturday when I get my email from you. Love you, forever and always, love babe.

DATE 16SEP10, TIME 1543

How many people are actually thinking of my birthday? I mean even if they are thinking of it why does it matter. It's not like I’m going to receive a gift from anyone it's not like I have actually celebrated a birthday in years, but still I wish I could be with you today. Remember on your birthday when we pulled in just for the day, which is the luckiest I think I am ever going to get while in the navy. So far today I have stood watch and slept, great 21 st , definitely one for the ages. I mean who gets to say they spent their birthday on a submarine, now that’s a birthday present to me if I ever saw one. Well I guess I’m done feeling sorry for myself and I’m going to go to sleep. Love you, forever and always, love babe.

DATE 16SEP10, TIME 2116

Before I went to sleep earlier today I started to think of how much I actually knew about your past. I mean we have been together on and off for four years now, and I really only know the basics of your childhood. But before I go asking you anymore about you, I will tell you about me. My mom had me when she was 18, she was a little bit of a coke user before she had me and she always said I was here guardian angel because I was the reason she quit. When I was born we lived with my grandparents in a trailer out off the 67, it's was behind that 7/11 way out there by El Capitan. We lived there for a couple years and then my mom finally moved out, I don’t know exactly where we moved but all I know is that before I was 13 I had lived in 12 different houses. My mom and I would count them sometimes because we always thought it was so crazy. I can’t really remember where they all are now but I always have remembered those numbers. Although we lived in so many houses my mom always managed to keep me at the same school, Rio Seco. When I started 2 nd grade we moved to New Jersey because that was where my brother and sisters grandma lived. When we got there she hated my mom and told her to take me and leave back to California, leaving Austin and Jessie behind. When she told their dad what his mother was saying he didn’t believe her, so my mom finally packed all our shit and told him he could either stay or come with us. He came with us. We moved back to Santee after 6 months in New Jersey. When I was growing up I was very sheltered my mom wouldn’t let me go outside really. I didn’t hang out with people very often after school, but it made me respect freedom more when I finally took it for myself. I was always a good kid, got good grades, all my teachers liked me, but I didn’t really have a social life. My first girlfriend was Richelle Fien, I know weird that her name was the same as my moms. She moved to Santa Barbara when we were freshmen so you never knew her. We dated for 9 months in middle school which was ridiculous I know but still I called her my girlfriend for 9 months young love. The last time I talked to her she was in Oregon because her family moved up there. She was a nice girl but a little to prude for me. She is now just a friend I talk to like once a year whenever were both on face book at the same time. Her mom loves me still and I even got a letter from them when I was in boot camp, I might still have it somewhere if you want to read it. When I got into high school I still hadn’t hit a growth spurt so I was still very small. I always got picked on for my size from like 6 th grade to 10 th grade, but then in 11 th it happened, I shot up to 6’0”. But anyways my freshman year was really hard I did really shitty in school, I just didn’t really care. We were still in the block system and my mom made me take all four blocks because she didn’t get out of work in time to pick me up and at that point we were living on Starland, way to far to walk home. My sophomore year was little better I mean I started doing good in school again and actually caring about my work, then junior year came. I got back to school I was taller then everyone and I met Nik. At that point me and Rob hadn’t talked in 2 years because although I wasn’t doing good in school I didn’t want to smoke pot, I knew it would upset my mom. From there you know the story of school I mean in my head me and Nik were running shit everyone liked us, we were funny, and shit we were both good looking. I just had to show Nik how to be a little more outgoing, and that’s how you see him today. But you didn’t know my size or my personality before you got to the school, I was the kid with a huge, I mean HUGE belt buckle sophomore year. I took a Chevrolet tow hitch and made it into a belt buckle. I have always been one trying to be the center of attention, and most of the time it works, especially now that im 6’4”. My junior year was the only time I started dating, I mean you know all the girls I dated, I can’t even remember their names really, I think a couple were named Amanda. But then you came into my life, and I knew from the moment I started talking to you that we were going to date. I even remember telling Nik a couple days after I got into the class that I was going to date you. When my mom was married to Jon those were the worst years of my life, at least 3 times a week Jon would sit me down after school and yell at me for something different. I would be on restriction a lot for lying because he would scare me so much I didn’t want to tell him the truth. I was telling my mom to divorce him for years, but anyways he was yelling at me one day and I started crying. When I didn’t stop for the last half hour of his rant he told me to shut up and listen. He said “once im done yelling at you this will all have blown over by tomorrow, so why cry today about it.” So from that day on I stopped crying. He couldn’t get to me anymore when he would yell I would just block it out and not give a shit, which would piss him off more. But I didn’t give a shit anymore. When you and I broke up the first time I cried once. Right after I broke up with you in the hall I went to the office to Mrs. Patterson to tell her what happened and I broke down in tears, I didn’t cry a single day after that because of what happened I grew and learned from it. I started thinking of how young we were and if I wanted me and you to work I needed to give you the space you needed to grow up and see I was the one you needed. During that year or so we were broken up I started smoking pot. Not just because of our break up but because living from hotel to hotel with your mom, her new boyfriend, and your three siblings is hard. Not to mention working and going to school. I remember the day I went to Rob and told him I wanted to smoke, he was kind of shell shocked because it had been 4 years since we really hung out. Anyways we started smoking all the time, getting drunk, just acting like teenage boys. I would go over to D. Coombs house almost every day, in the morning before school and before I had to go to work. On the weekends we would get shit housed and party at Dustin’s house. I didn’t even talk to girls really though, I think the only chick I took out that whole year was Courtney Perkins, and we never had sex. I just wasn’t in the mood for girls I needed to figure out what I was doing because honestly I had no idea. And then I decided to join the navy, I know you know how that story goes. At that point I thought it was a good idea to try and talk to you, let you know what I was about to do. And then obviously you know the story from there. But that is most of the major things that have happened to me who have formed me into who I am today. I think in the next entry I tell you all about how I got all my scars. Love you, forever and always, love babe.

DATE 17SEP10, TIME 2345

We’re half way done with this whole thing. Looking back it seems to have gone by fast but just thinking I have to do it all over again makes it seem like it's a long way from over. I know I have many more entries to make in this journal, but im excited to give it to you and have it be like 40 pages long. I hope you like what I have written, or if not like it at least kind of understand how I think while im out here. I know you will never fully understand a submarine lifestyle, but trust me that is something I would never want for you. I just want you to understand how crazy it makes us, how separated from the world we are. Honestly I didn’t realize how hard it really was until we left on West Pac. Since we left Guam we have been out to sea for 60 days, with a 6 hour port call in Sasebo. Technically we were there for 3 days but I had duty one day and couldn’t leave the first day. Martinez and I spent 2 hours off base the whole time we were there, so it doesn’t really count as a port call. I will get to talk to you in a couple days, and Im really excited to open my half way night box. I don’t know when we are opening them but that is all I was thinking about on watch, what’s in it? We had a really fast watch a lot of different shit happened, it's one of those watches we call the Capt. Kirk watch, basically because we all decided that in Star Trek all the crazy shit happened on his watch. I don’t know I think you’d have to be down here to understand it. Well I'll tell you more about me in the next one instead because this one was about other shit. Love you, forever and always, love babe.

DATE 18SEP10, TIME 1802

Everyone is going crazy today. Halfway night is like the only night that we get to do whatever we want, so everyone is going insane. For me though I do crazy shit all the time so now it's just like everyone is acting retarded, they were playing dodge ball on crews mess. I got your box for half way night and it pretty much made my entire West Pac. Even though the little Tupperware thing said read only 1 every 3 days I read like 4 today. I read the big note and I remembered the day you were talking about when we were sitting on the couches and you were working on the box. I am carrying one of the pairs of under ware you sent in my front chest pocket with the picture I told you about. Honestly out of all the stuff in the box, all your under ware got me the most choked up because it reminded me of you the most. I hope you are doing well at this point because I am definitely not, I just found out Sanabria is leaving because he has migraines and he is depressed. I have been fucking depressed since we left, but I have dealt with it. Him and his wife don’t even get along they have their own rooms in their house, it's fucking ridiculous. Im pretty pissed right now so I can’t think of anything else to write. Love you, forever and always, love babe.

DATE 19SEP10, TIME 1143

I haven’t got an email from you yet this week, im hoping it's because we haven’t pulled all the email yet. Anyways I have been watching a lot of Lost lately, I am not really hooked I just don’t have anything else to do. I really don’t have anything else to write about because I have become so numb to the world and anything that’s going on. I just try not to think about anything anymore because if I do I'll go crazy. Im going to put another entry in once I get an email from you. Love you, forever and always, love babe.

DATE 19SEP10, TIME 1615

I finally got my email from you. It made me calm down a little bit but I still need to hear your voice, I can’t survive without that. Im going to start making you videos so when I get underway again you will be able to listen to my voice. I don’t have many of you so im going to use the videos I make as a bargain. This past 2 weeks has been very hard and I honestly don’t know what the fuck has happened, and I guess I never really will know. I know you didn’t cheat on me, but the fact you were hanging out with two guys killed me. I want to be there on the couch when you get home from work at night, I want to massage your feet because you have been standing all day, I want to tell you I love you every night before we go to sleep. I want you to know I am always thinking about you even when I dream. I am always yours as I hope you are always mine. I love you, love and will never stop. I can’t wait to be by your side again, who knows maybe it will be sooner then we think. Love you, forever and always, love babe.

DATE 19SEP10, TIME 2154

I have only gotten an hour and a half of sleep today as you can see with the time of my entries. For some reason the closer we get to pulling in the more scared im getting because I have no idea what I’m about to get into. I mean I might just be cooking all this stuff up, but it's still driving me insane. I think imagination is what makes most people lose it. All the people who get put into insane asylums and shit all have ridiculous imaginations and it drives them to insanity. Every little thing that happens in my life right now all seems like a giant catastrophe. I think im going to write a poem right now since I still have an hour until I have be on watch, well I guess it will only take me like 15 minutes to write since im getting pretty good at. I hold your thongs and just look at them all the time. I have only had them for one day and I think they already are falling apart im just playing. I wish you would have sent me ones that you wear more often. You sent me all the ones you are to shy to wear around me. I still appreciate what you did for me; I really like all the pictures and notes you sent me. The cards you got were really good they all fit us perfectly. Oh yeah I almost beat Miller the other day because Justin Timberlake came on and I was talking to Wylo and I told him when we first started dating Justin wrote our whole relationship one song at a time. Then Miller who was standing behind me goes, “Next he’ll write one called ‘I’m having so much fun with Tygett and Pearson.” I almost snapped on his ass. He is getting way to comfortable around us and he is really starting to piss us all off. He has never even met you and he’s saying that shit, fuck I hate people. Well I guess there is yet again nothing I can do about it, he has too much protection, THE NAVY. If we were out in town or some shit and especially if I was drunk he wouldn’t have been able to work for a couple weeks. I don’t know what I am going to do about us; where are we going, what’s going to happen? Questions I need answers to now not in a week. Oh and while I was sitting in the LAN room for the past couple hours I shut my eyes because I was kind of getting tired and I swear to god, like plain as day I heard you yelling for help, twice. It scared the fuck out of me because I was in that half awake half dream state and I forgot where I was so when I woke up it took me a minute to gather my bearings. Crazy shit is going on in my head. Love you, forever and always, love babe.

DATE 21SEP10, TIME 0032

Today I started thinking about the past month or so, and how crazy I have been going over what it is you have been doing. I realized this, I trust you %100, im just going crazy because I haven’t got to see or hear from you in so long. Then I was letting my mind get the better of me, and it started playing tricks on me, I was making all this crazy shit up in my head and taking it as fact even though I really had no idea. But, then again I have been under here for a while now, and that was definitely the longest we have gone down here so it drove me a little crazier than ever before. All I know is I love you and I want you to be as happy as possible. Hopefully I will be able to see you soon, I want to try and bring you to Guam. I mean I know it's nowhere special, but with you there I think it would be special. Im going to send you the email tomorrow telling you that I want you to try and come out to Guam. I love you so much babe and I know nothing will ever happen to us. The other thing I was thinking is that you and I have had to much fun together and we have to much of our grown up lives together for either of us to want to fuck it up. I was thinking of all the times we have done ecstasy together, and man those were some fun nights. The other thing I was thinking about was the night we were camping and we had that ridiculous sex in the tent with all them out there partying. I think that’s what made it so fun, well at least for me. Especially trying to keep you quiet while making you squirm. Love you, forever and always, love babe.

DATE 22SEP10, TIME 1343

I don’t really know what to write today I have kind of been slacking for a while. Well I was angry for a week or so there and I didn’t want this to be like a bunch of mean entries telling you how angry I was at you so I had to slow up a little bit and think. So now I have been thinking and I realize im a fucking retard. I mean yes you are beautiful and yes you could do whatever you wanted while I was down here. But we are to good together and have been through so much together; why would you want to ruin that? Why would anyone in their right mind want to ruin that, and I realized you wouldn’t. Now all im thinking about is the future what happens after Pac because now that it's half way over I can see the end and it's drawing near. I hope you can come to Guam in two weeks because I would really enjoy seeing you. I can’t believe we haven’t had sex in 3 months, which seems ridiculous because we have so much fucking sex. Oh yeah I can legally buy alcohol if you didn’t already know that, just a reminder. I remember writing somewhere in here about telling you about all my scars and how I go them. So here it goes, I really feel like writing to you today. Let’s see, all the scars on my hands are from working at my aunt Virginia’s. I work for her for 3 summers and a lot during the school year too actually. Since she was rich she always gave me way more money then I earned, like a hundred dollars a weekend. Me and Rob had a lot of fun over there when we were younger doing crazy and stupid shit, basically it was the only place we got to run wild and be kids. But that’s where all my hand scars come from. On my right knuckles and on the top of my wrist I fell when I was drunk on leave the first time. We were at the beach by Joe’s Crab Shack eating after Delta’s mom’s ash spreading. Joe stole m y glasses so I went to chase him down and my shoe came off and I lost my balance. Thankfully instead of hitting my face on the ground I put my hand in the way and I fucked it up instead. On my right forearm there is a scar about an inch long. I was skate boarding down the driveway at Starland, into the garage and there was a bunch of sawdust. Well, I turned and slid on the sawdust and fell onto the tile in the kitchen. The edge of it though and it pinched my skin, and cut strait through to the bone. I could actually see my forearm bone, whatever it's called. That took like 6 stitches I think. On my right hand I cut off the tip of my pinky when I was like 4. I was up in the apartment we used to live in and my grandma had just dropped me off and I wanted to show her Roofus. I'll tell you about him later. I was coming back to the front door to ask my mom where he was and I had my hand on the door jam. Well the wind blew through the open sliding glass door and slammed the front door on my hand. It only cut off my pinky and I remember screaming, opening the door and crying all at the time. When I looked at my finger it was hanging on by a thread and it was squirting blood like a drinking fountain so it really freaked me out. When my mom ran up she grabbed a towel from the kitchen and wrapped it around it and we rushed to the hospital. I think that one took six stitched too. Those are the only two times I have gotten stitched, knock on my dick. On my head I have a small scar, from a horse shoe. I was at my grandma’s house on Mother’s Day one year, the whole family was over. I came running down the hill to get something out of the house. My grandpa and Austin and Jessie’s dad, Mike, were playing horse shoes. I ran right across the pit they were throwing at, and Mike yelled my name so I stopped and looked at him. When I stopped I was right in front of the post, so needless to say the horse shoe bounced right off the top of my head. Afterwards all Mike could say, well after making the bleeding stop of course, was “that was going to be a ringer.” Asshole. On the back of my right calf, right below my calf muscle a quad landed on top of me. I was riding my quad through the desert and I didn’t see a race track someone had left when they moved their camp. So I hit the gas thinking I was out of all the camp sites and went up the back side of a 6 foot burm. The quad rolled in mid air because the angle I hit it at and the chain landed right on my calf. I flipped the quad over after getting up and went on the ride anyways. I didn’t want to look like a little bitch. Those are all the scars I can think of right now, hope you enjoyed the stories. Man im bored. Love you, forever and always, love babe.

DATE 22SEP10, TIME 2006

Here I am yet again and I can’t sleep. I started wearing your under ware wrapped round my bicep under my poopie suit. It helps me always think of you, the reason being is because now I have something constricting my arm ( obviously it's not super tight) but when I forget about it I think to myself, “what the hell is that? Oh it's Jeanette.” So now I can always think of you. I love you so much love and I hope you realize that, if I didn’t love you I wouldn’t be worried about you doing anything while I was gone. If I didn’t love you I wouldn’t care at all, I would just be numb to everything you are doing. But, I do care therefore I think about every little thing that you do, even the shit you don’t think about. But now that I have come out of my crazed emotions; the ones because I haven’t seen you in 3 months, and because two other guys who should be down here got to hang out with you when I didn’t, I realize how much I trust you. I am not worried at all about leaving you for any period of time. However, I never want to do this again because I can’t stand being without you. You literally are my whole life, you are the reason I wake every day, the reason I want to succeed in life and you are the only person I want to help succeed in life. I hope everything is going well with you and I hope my past couple emails didn’t freak you out to bad. Love you, forever and always, love babe.

DATE 23SEP10, TIME 1416

I was thinking of how long we have been apart, 3 months…Holy Shit, we’re half way there. I don’t know how this is going for you, but for me down here as it happens it goes fast; but looking back it has been forever. I haven’t seen your smiling face in 3 months I haven’t touched your skin in 3 months, I haven’t heard your voice in 30 days, I need to see you, it's driving me up the wall. The fact that you can control me just because I love you so much scares me. I would do anything for you, as you can see the past couple years I have tried to prove that. I would be by your side whether you want to be with me or not. You are the only person in this world who I can honestly say “I only want to see you happy”. And trust me as I’ve shown you in the past it's true. I love you Jeanette Carol White, soon to be Diamond. I will always love you just as much as I always have; we will have our fights, our scuffles, but we will work through them. I know you were meant to be mine just as much as I was meant to be yours. Since I missed this year’s anniversary you can expect something big for Christmas. Well not big in size, but big in meaning. If you haven’t already gotten it yet by the time you read this then you will probably be nagging me to know what it is. Just know that the first anniversary is paper. So in the first entry I told you I wanted to have kids with you, well I guess since the first entry in our relationship we have known that, but plans for having them. I mean who really knows we are definitely going to have to wait until next year so we can get our feet a little more stable, if I make second it wouldn’t be a problem, but I want to do some shit before we have kids. Go on a cruise, go on a cross country road trip, go to the grand canyon (well I guess we can do that with kids), go to Las Vegas (we are doing that next spring break), but anyways back to kids. I really want to name our son Jack, I know you don’t want to, because it's to plain; but I really like it. I already agree with Lily, or however you want to spell it, but we need to come to an agreement on a boy name. I mean im pretty laid back; well I used to be until I joined submarines, so im sure we can think of something together. I want you to meet some of your goals to before we have kids. I have been talking to Senior Shuemaker about kids, and he told me to live life a little and im kind of inclined to listen to him. I mean we have the rest of our lives to have children together, hopefully within the next 5 years, but once we have kids all our fun goes out the window until their 18. So take what I say like a grain of salt, and know it is just my thoughts and feelings towards this; but mixed with yours im sure some things will change. Love you, forever and always, love babe.

DATE 24SEP10, TIME 2111

Last night they shifted times forward an hour so everyone in my section lost an hour of sleep and we didn’t even know it. Then this morning we had field day for 2 and ½ hours and at 1400 we did a BSP to get people off the boat. We pull in tomorrow and hopefully all will be well between us, I know it's going to take a while to work through everything that has happened in the past 2 months, but I know we will. Since I am the maneuvering watch lookout I had to be in the bridge for the BSP today. Now you have to understand what a BSP is; we pull super close to the pier, and a small boat comes along side us and takes people and things or brings people and things to and from the boat. So being in the bridge I get to see people leave the boat while we all have to stay out just for one extra day at sea. Not only did I have to be in the bridge for that I was actually on watch, our normal 18 hour rotation, so when all that was said and done I had to sit up in the bridge for 6 hours. I got a ridiculous sun burn, of course only on my forearms and cheeks though. I look stupid as hell and Sunday im probably going to sit at the pool or on the beach or some shit just to make these tan lines go away. You don’t realize how white you get without seeing sun for two months. I am so white I would be embarrassed to take my shirt off around you right now especially since you told me how tan you are right now. I really hope you get to come out next weekend because I think it would help us through this next three months well at least it would help me a lot. I hope you understand or if you don’t, I hope you can come to in the next 3 months. I know I have a long way to go on our relationship, but shit we have the rest of our lives to work on both our fuck ups. I love you and can’t believe we have made it through as much as we have. Thinking of all the stories I have of just us makes me so happy. One of my favorites is still six flags. Love you, forever and always, love babe.

DATE 24SEP10, TIME 2150

I was reading some of my earlier entries because I was bored and I found a riddle I never told you the answer to. I asked it on 10SEP10, the answer is Superman and Kryptonite. Love you, forever and always, love babe.

DATE 25SEP10, TIME 1301

We pulled in today, to Guam. This place really is a black hole, just like the boat. I got to hear your voice this morning and I am so glad I got to talk to you; it made me so happy to hear your voice. I can’t wait to see you, whenever it is I get to see you. I hope you know how much I care for you and I really hope you can understand why it is that I have gone crazy for the past two months. I hate that I can’t be there to go to the football game with you, I wish we could be doing that stuff together…tailgating, man how much I miss that kind of shit. I was thinking today about how much I can’t wait to care about the little things in life. The things that don’t actually change my life in any way, or the shit I just want to do for the fuck of it. Like sleep in, not have a curfew and a reveille. Stupid shit the navy has come up with: after watch clean up, field day, award ceremonies, taco Tuesday, West Pac, Submarines, watch all together, scuttlebutts, deck plates, and the POD (Plan of the Day, or Plan of Deception) as we call it. Hearing you talk to me today and say I love you made me feel so good, it brought my moral up so high, just knowing you are out in the world somewhere breathing gives me a smile. This morning I was up in the bridge and got the most amazing pictures of the sunrise ever. I know that sounds gay as fuck, but it's true. I mean you don’t realize how beautiful the sun is until you haven’t seen it in 30 days. That is why the only thing the navy has made that is alright in my book is lookout. I am in port now so I may not write in this as much, but shit I think for one month this is some pretty good shit. I hope you like reading this, im not doing this to piss you off or bring up shit that has already passed im doing it so you know exactly how I felt at any certain point. I really wish I would have done this from day one, but oh well; if I would have done that it would be like 50 pages already. So now I am at work doing nothing because I really don’t feel like doing anything for this place right now. It's Saturday, September 25, 2010 and I haven’t had a single full day off in months. I don’t even remember my last day off, actually I think I had one last time we were in Guam, but we were here for 45 days so that isn’t shit in the grand scheme. I started writing a submarine poem, like one not making fun of this place, but trying to explain it. I hope it comes out good. Jackson had a poem for his dolphin’s ceremony, and it almost makes me want to get my dolphins tattooed on me, but not actual dolphins. On either side instead of the fish I want to get two mermaids, topless and sexy like. I don’t know though we’ll see what happens. Love you, forever and always, love babe.

DATE 26SEP10, TIME 0424

It's 0514 in the morning I have been up since 0430 yesterday. We just pulled in like 15 hours ago. We just had a long ass conversation about us. Hopefully I put your mind at ease a little bit. I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with you, hopefully you know that now.

DATE 04OCT10, TIME 2037

Right now you are in the bathroom doing the deed. And even though you don’t know it I can see you through this window that’s in our room…weird haha. You have been here for a little less than 24 hours and already I know why it is I want to be with you for the rest of my life. Just your presence makes me happier. I haven’t seen you in 3 and a half months, god damn it's been to long. But now we are closer to the end then the beginning. You are so grown up from the last time I saw you, I don’t know what it is. Maybe it's how you carry yourself. You seem to have higher self esteem, and you’re just sexy as fuck all around. You speak differently now too, you don’t carry the end of your words like you used to and it makes you sound all professional and shit. It's kind of weird having you here after not seeing you for so long, taking a shower with you was completely different this time then when we used to take them together. It was almost like we didn’t know what to do with each other being so naked. Well we will have to work on that when I get back from this deployment. I know it has been hard up until this point and I know it's not going to get any easier, but hopefully you coming here will help a little. I mean I know it has been more stressful than anything since you don’t have a plane ticket yet and all that, but just being around me I hope you know how much I love you. It's crazy that I haven’t written in here in so long, I got so used to writing in my journal every day, but once we pulled in I didn’t have anything to talk about, my mind was instantly at ease. Soon I will be underway again and the entries will start pouring our again. I hope you have a good time while you are here. Love you, forever and always, love babe.

DATE 08OCT10, TIME 0931

At this point I have received an email from you telling me you landed in Hawaii and you made it safe. Thank god. I didn’t like leaving and not being able to tell you I love you one more time, or being able to hear your voice right before I go under. It's weird how hard it is to sleep now that you aren’t here again. The little things we did while you were here made me remember my love for you. Not that I forgot how much I loved you, but I didn’t remember how to be me around you. It was so much fun shopping with you, and doing my laundry while you read your book. Driving around deciding what to listen to knowing whatever I put on you weren’t going to like. Eating lunch with you, I hope you took that as a long awaited date, or if it was just us going out to eat. Anyways, im kind of sad about you not wanting a kid and im sure if you have already read this far you will know how much I want one. I guess our looks and personalities haven’t been the only thing to change our views on certain things to. Im fine with you not wanting a kid now, but hopefully in the future when we get a little more established and when we are grown a little more we will have the same goals in some areas. I don’t want to scare you or anything or make you think this isn’t going to work just because I want kids and you don’t. We will talk about it in the future, when the time comes. I love the smell of your hair when I wake up, I love the touch of your fingers on my palm, I love how you fit in front of me perfectly, I love how you try to get mad sometimes and can’t. I basically just love you. Love you, forever and always, love babe.

DATE 23OCT10, TIME 2033

It has been a long time since I have written anything and I really don’t know where to start. First of all I love you so much. I don’t really know how to explain how I have been feeling without possibly ruining us but I honestly don’t think when you read this you will be drastic about it you may be sad but it is how I am feeling right now. When I left on west pac I couldn’t stop thinking about all the great times we have together and how amazing my life is and how lucky I am to still have you in my life. When I first talked to you when we pulled into guam all we did was fight and argue for like the first 2 weeks, and most of it was because you thought I was going to leave you because you were only looking at the bad in our relationship, which you have apparently been doing the whole time ive been gone. All I had to keep me going and keep me sane was thoughts of how happy you made me. Then when I got underway again things went very far south. I started literally going crazy for the first time in my life, well maybe not the first time but the first time I ever let it get to me, usually I just forget about shit and move on. Instead I spent 60 days thinking about what it was that the love of my life was doing. Then I started getting emails telling me what a great time you were having with other people and it really started making me miss you. All I could do, since I was only getting an email a week, was conjure up the craziest things that could possibly happen while I was gone. And I mean why would I not think that, I have a gorgeous wife who was getting drunk with a bunch of people I don’t truly know. And she knows them even less then I do. Then I pulled in and all we did was argue some more. I put all the shit I was thinking out of my head about what I thought you were doing and I just forgave you like I always do whenever I just want us to be happy. Then I ask you to come to guam and you make it seem like you don’t even want to come to see me, even with a free ticket. But then you come with much coaxing. When you get there you act totally different then your normal self. To me seeing you was the best thing that had happened to me since I joined the navy besides us getting married of course. When you saw me it seemed like you didn’t really want to be there. I wanted to make love to you and cuddle and just be in your presence and it seemed like the whole time you were regretting coming, you tried to read your book more then anything else it seemed like. When we went to lunch you told me you didn’t want to have kids, ever. That was a total 180 from everything we had ever talked about so yeah it kind of freaked me out. What the hell would it have done to anyone in that situation? Then when I get back underway you tell me you were thinking about the grass being greener on the other side; what other side I had no idea what you were talking about. I didn’t receive another email for a week after I got that one. So for one week, for the first time in our marriage I started thinking about the grass being greener on the other side and why it was that I am married to you and it made me go crazy. All I thought about was you cheating on me, and how much I care about you and the shit I have let go without thinking about for one minute. Now here I am in a predicament because of course I want to be with you forever if I didn’t I wouldn’t be with you to this day. Most men wouldn’t be with a woman who has put them through what you have put me through. Now Im not trying to one up you or make you feel like shit im telling you how I feel right now on 23OCT10. But why is it im married to you, what makes me keep coming back to you, why do I just let the big things go without letting them bother me? I never thought about you sleeping with another man until these past two weeks, why? Because I couldn’t handle that feeling, because I didn’t want to know that feeling, because I love you so much I would do anything and forget anything to not flaw how I see you? I honestly don’t know. But thinking of you with another man the night I tell you how much I love you and how I want you to come back to me has torn me apart, and I have no fucking idea what to do. I will write more in here tomorrow when im not so tired. I popped 2 Excedrin pm and I can feel them starting to kick in. Hopefully by the time I write again I will be able to explain more how I feel. Love you, forever and always, love babe.

DATE 26OCT10, TIME 2230

The question of why I married you isn’t even a legitimate question. I married you because I love you and I don’t know what to do with myself without you. The question of why I have stayed with you after all that has happened is the harder question to answer. The truth, the truth. I honestly think its because I don’t know if I can ever love someone as much as I love you. I lost my virginity to you. And instantly I fell in love. Love is blinding. I don’t think it effected you the same way. Obviously not you didn’t lose yours to me. And the shit you said about how I love the thought of being married to you but I don’t actually want to be married, I think that’s how your feeling. You want to be with me because I have the capability of giving you everything you could ever want but like you said you sabotage your life so you cant be happy. Well the shit you have done in the past is starting to haunt me. I live alone in my mind and it is starting to kill me inside. All I do all day is think of what is going to happen with us because honestly I have no fucking idea what is going on. I mean we sent eachother the same email, not to email eachother. WTF. We obviously have some major issues and I don’t know if were going to be able to work through these ones. We have built a giant wall between us the last 4 and a half months and I don’t know if we’ll be able to climb this one. I don’t know if I want to climb this one. I feel like im on a one way street and its up hill, in the snow, both ways; holy shit I know im going crazy. I have been trying to make you happy since the first day I met you and it has back fired on me. You don’t want the nice guy who does everything for you, you’re a bad boy type of girl and I cant live up to that. I mean look at all your ex’s come on I am nothing like any of the guys you have slept with. I want to cry so bad right now, but I can’t because I am completely shut down and I don’t know what its going to take to come back on. I know once I see you I am going to be so excited again, at least I hope. I really cant tell myself everything will be alright because I don’t know if it will be, but I guess im still breathing and like I have always said, if your happy im happy. Whether or not its with me or not I guess I can live with that. I mean you know what I did for you when you were with justin, who the fuck does that, you got me whipped and I don’t know what to do. Love you, forever and always, love babe.

DATE 28OCT10, TIME 1405

I have decided I have ADD or ADHD or something. That is why I cant keep focused on shit for any period of time. That is why I hate talking on the phone. I just cant stay focused. That is how I am in everything. That’s why I cant watch tv shows, like whole seasons. The only thing that keeps my attention is you, why? You have not been good to me, you trample all over me like I am supposed to be doing the things I am doing for you. That’s ridiculous, I don’t know anyone who is so in love they would let someone cheat on them 3 times, well at least those are all the times I know of, and stay with them. I have never cheated on you and there are people out here telling me to. Why the fuck would I do that, so you can feel the same way I have in the past. That’s the difference between you and me, my revenge is success. If you want to go fucking up our relationship by doing that shit that’s fine, but im not going to give you the same reason to hate me. If you cant trust me who are you going to trust. I have decided that I am leaving you. I thought of all the things in our past that I have let go and the things that are in our present and I cant let them go anymore. I gave you one last chance after sending you home, your last chance should have been years ago, and you still fucked it up. I don’t really care what I end up with because I know I will always have money so if you want to have everything, since we didn’t do a prenup, then im just going to give it to you. Im going to make this the least painful for me because why the fuck should I care about your feelings when you havent cared about mine. They are already telling me I can go home to divorce you, but we arent pulling in anytime soon. You are spending all the money I am working hard to earn, and you are about to start fucking up my clearance, so I cant have you in my life anymore. I have been on west pac for almost 5 months now and I have nothing to show for it. A broken heart and sea time, that is my payment for serving my country. The thing about people telling me to cheat on you is because they say if I am truly over you I would cut all emotional ties. What they don’t know is how much fucking effort I have put into this damn relationship and how much of myself I have thrown away to keep you happy. I let everything go yet you hold grudges, the things I have done in the past can not even compare to the things you have done, and I think you are guilty about that, well at least I hope you are. I know I will aways love you, you were my first love, you were my first wife, you were my first baby, but now I am going to have to put you behind me and move on. I am ready for the next chapter in my life to begin and it will once I get back off this fucking deployment. I don’t know how to end this because I do love you and always will but I need to stop so heres the end of my journal. You have been a huge help in my past but you have also been a huge burden, you made me happy, you made me sad, you brought out the best and worst in me, you had my heart in your hand for almost five years and you crushed it every chance you got. I am now over it and I am ready to just love myself again. It isn’t TRUE LOVE if it doesn’t kill you inside. You have assassinated me.